As I'm pondering my situation, maybe I just need some extra space.
Maybe it will help if I get to create my private space where I can work and enjoy distraction-less solitude.
I'm imagining how simple life would be there. Getting up early without worrying to wake someone up. Write with the shades up, enjoying the morning breeze.
No TV. This is a big one for me. Always dreamt about it, never had it.
I like having a space to work in silence and then connect online when I need to interact with others. There's no accidental bumping into people. I control the social interactions with a push of a button.
My workspace is a separate room, with a window and a calm urban view. It's warm and cozy, and I'll add some plants to it to keep my air clean.
I have my own private kitchen — not a kitchenette but a real kitchen — and it's stocked only with my stuff. All plants, no meat, no dairy, no crap. The pantry is small and just as clean. I ordered a fresh delivery of groceries for Wednesday and they're going to stock me up with canned veggies and other goodies.
The burning incense makes my dwelling smell like one of those Asian gift stores that sell everything from clothing to candles and spiritual altars.
I found a woman who's selling potted plants for cheap and I'll go pick up more than a hundred bucks worth of flora. I plan on building a jungle in the big room and that's going to be just for me. My reading space, my giant reading nook. Full of green plants, with enough space for yoga and mediation and reading and relaxing. I'm building a sanctuary here. Sanctuary for one broken soul. Mine.
Only it's not really broken; it's just disappointed in not being able to find true love. But WTF that even is — true love? Is that something that's forever? Or is it a woman of certain physical and spiritual characteristics? Would I even recognize it if I saw it?
I don't know. I know nothing except that I'll keep searching. For as long as I breathe.