I might have been celebrating too fast .
As we've been close to taking some days off and travel for vacations, I got into a bad mood. I was nervous about how it's going to look like, and I realized it's going to be like that last trip to the Carribean.
Back then, I had this same nagging feeling. She was like a magnet to me, but on the same poles. Pushing away. We couldn't come closer. We tried for a couple of days and then I said something, she got upset, the dinner was ruined, and so were we.
For the rest of that trip, I couldn't really enjoy the Caribbean sun or beach, I felt this huge weight on my back and pressure in my chest. And I felt trapped because I couldn't get out. We had flights booked and it wasn't like you can just walk to the airport and catch a flight back to Europe.
I hated that country because of that. I felt trapped and I spent the rest of the days planning my diabolical plan. There were so many things laid out.
I wanted to relocate to another country, having already picked Holland as my destination. I dreamt about starting anew, fresh, with barely any identity or baggage. I thought I had it all figured out.
But I lingered. Various reasons, but none of them were her. I gave up on our relationship and couldn't wait to get out. I kept running.
There were so many business trips, I was away for entire weeks. But I kept feeling that same chest pressure whenever I returned home. She was there, we didn't talk, we pretended the other one doesn't exist.
It felt lighter when I was away. I'd forget all about it at least until I remembered that I still need to go back there. I needed a quick solution.
The relocation wasn't a quick solution. So I started seeking something interim. Moving out, renting something. But that's not short-term. It took weeks before I had it all figured out, but then the pandemic hit.
I told her I'll be leaving. She said she respected it. Not what I was expecting. It was a smart reaction from her side; it disarmed me. After a while, I gave up.
Maybe because it was too much of a hassle to go apartment-seeing during the lockdowns, maybe because I couldn't really travel anymore; I don't know. But I stayed, we eventually got back together and we thrived for a while. It felt good. Or was it.
It feels weird to have such a fragile relationship. One thing and it blows up. What's the worst, it's not even a negative thing, it's because we're going on vacation!
I spent €4K on that. And I can't claim anything back via insurance if I choose not to go. Had I contracted covid, that would help me get my portion of the reservation back. But I don't think that marital disputes are covered.
She came to me with a packing question today and I told her that I'm not going. She didn't believe me. But I know that if I go it's going to be a disaster for all of us. Not going is easier for everyone.
And I get a week of freedom to ponder my next move. Should I stay or should I go?
Maybe I need a life change. Again.